CJ Scuffins' Snappily-Titled Weblog

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Transcript of the Oasis review

(Title card: Oasis - Dig Out Your Soul)
(Colin and Jill sit in front of webcam.)
C: First of all I think we should apologize on behalf of the Irish nation-- (Jill mimics Liam Gallagher's walk) --for the gobshite in Canada [who tried to push Noel off the stage].
J: Fair play to him for pushing him off!
(C winces.)
J: Do you know now that Hattie Something Or Other, some boxer, said that "If anybody touches Noel Gallagher or Liam Gallagher I'll kill them, I'll batter them".
C: I'm pretty sure the boxer's name wasn't Hattie.
J: [laughs] I don't know what his name is--
C: You're probably thinking of [Ricky] Hatton.
J: That's him.
C: You don't fucking attack someone by pushing them from behind!
J: What? Hold on--
C: You stab them from the front!
(Title card: Bag It Up)
C: It's a drug reference.
J: Yeah. (Dismissively) How old is he?
(Title card: The Turning)
(C nods along to the piano riff, while J swivels her wrists in a 50s stylee.)
C: Okay, that song's called The Turning.
J: I know. It's turning my fucking stomach.
C: Can I just ask, did you actually listen to this album?
J: Yeah, I did. In my car.
C: How many times?
J: Twice.
C: Is that enough for a professional opinion?
J: Yeah, it is, because normally I know after three seconds.
(Title card: Waiting For The Rapture)
J: That was the song that I liked.
C: Was it?
J: Yeah, it was the song that I liked. I liked that--
C: Waiting For The Rapture?
J: Do you know why I liked it? It's because Noel is singing and he has a nicer voice, it's a stronger voice, but at the same time he has changed his voice. He's used different tones in his voice to sing. He's doing this (high pitched squeak) 'Aaaaaah'. Like that. And then he's going "Whooo-haa!"--
C: A falsetto?
J: Yeah. All of those other things with his voice, while Whiney Hole hasn't broken his voice at all--
C: Whiney Hole? As in Liam?
J: Yeah. And I like the guitar thing! (Grits teeth and shakes fists.) Yeah, it's a bit marchy, like do you know: (mimes marching). But you know it's--
C: You're using all these technical terms, these insider terms that I wouldn't be aware of--
J: Yeah.
(Title card: The Shock Of Lightening)
J: (Mimicking Liam's singing) 'Love is a time machine-naaa!/Up on a silver screen-naaa!/In my ice-cream-maaaaa!'
C: You don't like it?
J: No.
C: Am I correct in that assumption?
J: Yeah.
C: Do you think their Mam gets the album and then has to lie to them about how good it is? (In Oirish accent) "Oh, you're very good, Liam."
J: No.
C: "That's a very good voice you have dere."
J: No.
C: "Oh, begorrah, Noel, you're very good." Yeah, do you think she feels proud or is she's just like, "Aw, Liam, this is shite", "Liam you're fucking awful", "You're terrible, Liam."
J: She's Irish, she doesn't talk like that.
C: "Dis is an Oirish accent I'm doin'." (Mimicking Liam's Manchester accent) "But I'm doing it for you, Mam!" (As mother) "No, you're making a fucking show of me."
(Title card: I'm Outta Time (Get Off Your)
C: This is a song called I'm Outta Time (Get Off Your), and it's Liam's fifteenth tribute to John Lennon. (Rubs face in exasperation.) It's done in the style of Imagine, as all his songs are done in. I like the first song he ever wrote which was about [the] son that he had with the actress Patsy Kensit. I think it was called, The Son I Had With The Actress Patsy Kensit. Liam is very literal.
(Title card: High Horse Lady)
C: The next one is called High Horse Lady and it's fucking shite.
J: (laughs)
(C plays opening couple of lines with Noel singing, 'Get off your high horse lady/I don't need a ride tonight')
C: Noel sang that in, cut it there, and then looped it for the next ten minutes.
J: (As Yoko) 'Number 9, Number 9, Number 9'.
C: That's more interesting. That's a better lyric.
(Title card: Falling Down)
C: The one thing about the lyrics is that this is another Noel song where he's talking to God and God doesn't answer him back. This is on all the albums. I think he should just give up, put the God Phone down, and you know—He's a bit spiritually naïve, Noel is. Everybody knows that all you have to do is shake a flower over your head and God will appear.
(Title card: To Be Where There's Life)
(Eastern guitar music plays. J pulls a face. C stops it.)
C: That's enough of that.
J: (Horrified) No, no.
(Title card: Ain't Got Nothing)
(Screeching guitar music plays. J and C pull extremely pained faces.)
(Title card: The Verdict…)
C: Before I put this album on I was feeling quite happy and everything—
J: Are you a bit depressed now?
C: This album has just kind of—
J: Depressed you?
C: Depressed me.
C: There's very little to get your teeth into with these songs.
J: No.
C: There's nothing to—You know, once you've exhausted all the swear words in your vocabulary, there's not a lot more to say.
J: They're just getting by. It's just (deflated sound) "Meeah." It's just (another deflated sound) "Neeah." Just like that. It's not anything (high-pitched whistle). It's just "Meeah."
(Title card: Peggy Gallagher's Verdict…)
C: (Oirish accent) "Liam, give up. Please."

Oct
9th

Thu

The Irish Times Gets A Part-Time Job As A Genealogy Researcher

Times are hard, we’re all a bit strapped for cash, so much so that even the great and good are feeling the pinch.

Therefore it’s entirely understandable that The Irish Times has got itself a part-time job. Along with reporting the news, the Times will now look up family trees. On Friday (3^rd Oct) it gave over half its front page to publishing the results of their search for the Irish ancestors of Sarah Palin, the would-be VP of the United States Of America.

It turns out that Ms Palin “could” be able to trace her roots to Co Roscommon, because the Times “believes” that her “great-great-great grandfather may have crossed the Atlantic in 1844”.

The outcome no doubt made Irish Times readers feel proud as punch. Imagine hailing from the same country that the family of an Alaskan politician “could” have come from.

Having said that, I can’t help but wonder if the Times is not a tad lucky that there were absolutely no Irish stories worthy of a half page in the newspaper of record that day. If it wasn’t the case, they’d be faced with hoardes of readers throwing their eyes to heaven on reading the story and shouting, “SO FUCKING WHAT?!”

But, as I say, lucky for them.

Full Disclosure: I was just reading this rag for the Noel Gallagher interview. Honest.

Oooh, I'm A Lady

The pink-frilled brolly I accidentally took home from a restaurant on Saturday night.

And yes, it was raining out when I left.

Sneaky Steaks.

— Our local butcher asked Jill why she was buying a load of chicken and no beef. She told him it’s because her husband can no longer break down red meat, and added that she now goes to her Mam’s for “sneaky steaks”. One expects more loyalty from a new wife!

Oct
8th

Wed

“The Toilet Talker”

Colin’s open video letter to a man who talks on the phone in the office bathroom.

(Best viewed with the Firefox browser.)

Oct
7th

Tue

“The Industrial Estate”

Jill details her attempts to scare her daughter into studying.

(Best viewed with the Firefox browser.)

Oct
6th

Mon

Talk About Getting Her Hopes Up

Our DVD store has a tanning salon and sells all manner of diet pills. The other night an Asian assistant was explaining to two local woman how a particular pill can help them lose weight.
Asian Guy: This one prevents you from putting on calories.
Woman: (mishearing) Putting on curries?